Here Comes Trouble: AKA The Internet
by Thunderstone
Summary: Hermione brought her laptop to the Burrow and made some interesting discoveries & HP Fan sites. Soon word of this spread like fire. What trouble will this bring?
1. Chapter 1

I'll only say this once; anything you see here belongs to its respective owners. Any pennames and addresses you see here I made up unless I say otherwise. The underlined words are from fanfics that they are reading. I had read several stories where HP and the gang discovered fan and decided to throw my chips in. I tried to be unique with this. Well, what else can I say, lol!

By the way, I made some minor changes to this story. Mainly getting rid of review responces :rolls eyes: so I was forced to edit pretty much the whole story :sighs:

Chapter One

Slashy, Slashy

It was a nice Sunday afternoon and the golden trio were at the Burrow. Harry and Ron were playing chess, while Hermione's on her new laptop. Mr. Weasley was reading the instruction manual for it, while Mrs. Weasley was in the kitchen cooking dinner. The twins were in the corner plotting evil as usual and Ginny was in the corner reading. It was just a typical day at the Burrow about to go crazy. Then again when are things not crazy in the life of Harry Potter?

Let's see here, he has a hypocritical dark lord after him, had to beat up a giant snake in his second year of Hogwarts, had a convicted serial killer after him when it turned out he was really after Ron's rat who turned out to be an Animagi whom had him framed, forced into a tournament by one of the Dark Lord's flunkies, and had an evil teacher on his case all year. Yep, just a typical day for Harry Potter.

'Hmm, I wonder what Website is about,' Hermione thought to herself. So she clicked on it. 'Let's see here anime, cartoons, video games, aha books.' She clicked on it; on of the things that immediately caught her eye was Harry Potter.

"Check mate!" Ron said to Harry, who once again lost.

"Oh my gosh, come here guys there are stories about us on this Website!"

"Really," Mr. Weasley said as everyone in the room gathered around the computer. "Hey Molly come in here there are stories about us on the entnet." She came into the room and sat next to Hermione.

"It's internet. Here's one, An Arthur/Lucius and slash. Let's check this one out.

"What's a slash?" Ron asked. Hermione just shrugged her shoulders and clicked on it.

It was cold dark night as Lucius Malfoy waited for his lover. Although he had Narcissa he still felt lonely. A loneliness that can only be filled by his redheaded lover.

"Oh my god, I hope this isn't going in the direction I think it's going," Ron mumbled.

"Ron, you are so sick minded," Ginny snapped at him while secretly hoping the same thing.

It was midnight, and he would be here soon. His one true love; although, he was a blood traitor true love would conquer all. Although, their families had been disputing for generations, they still loved each other.

Everyone in the room started getting uneasy especially the Weasleys. "Okay, I think we've read enough," Fred suggested. Mr. Weasley's eyes were wide open in horror as the evil fan fiction did its work.

"Ah, here you are my love," he said as Arthur Weasley came as they made love all night long. They got divorced from their wives and lived happily ever after.

THE END

To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. Ginny fainted while the rest of the Weasley children were racing for the bathroom. "WHAT!" Lucius threw off his invisibility cloak and stared at the screen with a disgusted look on his face. "IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE! THERE IS NO WAY I'D EVER GO OUT WITH THIS," He pointed at Arthur whom just fainted," WEASEL! WHO WROTE THIS?"

Hermione scrolled up and went to Slashycat's author profile. "The penname's Slashycat, and according to this his real name is Bobby Droolips of 123 Rolland Drive, London."

"You shall pay Bobby Droolips, mwahaha!" He Disapparated out of the house and Apaparated to 123 Rolland Drive. "Oh Bobby you have some s'painin' to do." (A/N ten points to who ever can guess where that came from.) The blond hair teenager looked up from his computer and gasped. Lucius just stood there looking infuriated.

"Oh my god the Harry Potter books are real!" he rubbed his eyes to see Lucius Malfoy standing there with his foot tapping and a deadly glare in his eyes. "So did you finally realize that Arthur Weasley is your one true love?"

Wrong thing to say, because after that comment Lucius just flicked his wand and said, "Crucio!" Bobby began to feel pain beyond all pain. After a few seconds he lifted the curse.

"So, I guess you read my fan fiction didn't you? It does that to people. Here's the deal, if you spare my life I'll let you use my computer and show some other fan fics if you want. Heck I'll even show you how to use it so you can use the computer any time you want."

"What other fan fictions? You mean to say there are more?" Lucius raised an eyebrow as Bobby logged on to and to books: Harry Potter.

"Yeah there are, let me explain how to use it." After Bobby got done explaining he ran like hell out of the room, never to be heard from again. Some say he fled the country and changed his name, others say he went to the mall. You know what, who cares about Bobby. He's not important.

Well, Lucius called some of his death eater friends over to read some more evil Harry Potter fan fics. Back at the Burrow, Mr. Weasley and Ginny were just waking up. Ginny was mumbling something about disturbing images, and the Weasley brothers came back down stairs, still very disturbed about what the just read. In fact, they were even considering erasing what they just read out of their mind. "Who would write those horrid things?" Mrs. Weasley said her eyes were still wide in shock of what she'd just read.

"Apparently some very twisted people," Hermione mumbled.

"Just so you know Molly, I would never leave you. You are _my_ true love."

"Oh, Arthur, I know that," with that said, Mrs. Weasley hugged her husband. "I wonder what else those . . . _People_ have been writing about us?" If it weren't for the fact that her children, Harry, and Hermione were around she would've said something else.

"Well, we'll find out," Everyone gathered around the computer, little did they know that, that was only the tip of the iceberg.

A/N: Well, what do you think? Ideas welcome. Next up, Harry in Azkaban fics, and Mary-Who? CUL8R yah'll and don't forget to review :P


	2. Chapter 2

Yippee I got reviews! Just so you know, this is pre-HBP so the person whom died in HBP is still around.

I'm always open to advice and requests, enjoy!

Chapter 2

This is SO Mean!

"Let's check this one out," Hermione said. She clicked on Betrayal of A Friend.

As Harry was lying in his cell in Azkaban, he kept thinking about the betrayal of his so called friends. _The Weasleys, Remus, Sirius, Dumbledore, everyone who were supposed to be my friends, why did they betray me? They didn't even listen to my side of the story._

Flashback: "Harry James Potter, how could you betray me? Betray everyone who cared so much for you! Is power really worth killing so many?" cried Remus.

"Remus, everyone I-I didn't do it! I was framed! Won't you at least listen to-"

"Why would we listen to you, you bloody traitor!" Ron bellowed in Harry's face.

"What the h is this story? This is insulting," Ron blurted out.

"Ronald Weasley, watch your mouth!" snapped Mrs. Weasley giving him one of her death glares. You know the one mothers give their children to scare the crap out of them. Any kid with commonsense knows not to curse - well, at least within earshot of their parents. If your underage you have to live with them, so it's not a good idea to tick them off. After all, they can make your life really suck if they wanted to.

"Harry, I can't believe I loved you, you murderer!" Ginny shouted. She slapped him in the face, as the twins held Harry's arms back as Ron and Hermione burned everything he cared about his invisibility cloak, his photo album, firebolt, he even had to watch in horror as they tortured his beloved owl to death.

Harry, the Weasley children, and Hermione gaped at the screen. Harry winced they got to the part where they destroyed his stuff and owl.

With each thing they destroyed, he felt a piece of himself perish. _Why? Why won't they believe me? Isn't someone there who will at least listen to my side of the story? Do the seriously think I could do such a thing? Not only do they think I murdered all those muggles but my family too. Sure we may not be close, but they are still my relatives whether I like it or not._

At the trial watched in horror as his friends testified against him. Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, and even his girlfriend, Ginny. Everyone else glared at him. If looks could kill he'd be dead. "I SHOULD'VE NEVER LET MY CHILDREN NEAR YOU, HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Mrs. Weasley shouted, glaring daggers at him.

Silence filled the room after what they just read. Ginny gulped, "Harry, just so you know, I'd never betray you."

"Yeah, we'd never betray you, Harry, your like a brother to me," Ron said. That comment became awkward after they read the next part. Harry was still too speechless to say anything.

End flashback: _They promised to follow me to heck and back, to always be by my side. Ron said I was like a brother to him-_

"Oookay, that was a bit . . . Awkward," Ginny said. Ron just banged his head against the desk. They continued reading it.

The story went along the lines of Harry whining about how his 'friends' betrayed him. Suddenly he got all-powerful and broke out of jail to get his revenge on Lord Voldemort and his former friends (or at least send his 'friends' on a vicious guilt trip and that's putting it lightly). Right outside the jail he found Voldy and the Death Eaters kicking the Orders' butt big time. Lord Voldemort confessed to how he framed Harry, mixed emotion filled the field - well, on the Order members side - a few were denying it cough Ron cough and some were all boohoo, and stuff. Harry turned down Voldy's request, and summoned some strange, freaky power that totally overpowered him. In other words, Voldy went bye, bye. Tension filled the field, but the Order members managed capture the Death Eaters, while Harry's former friends, and family ran towards him going all, "Harry, Harry we are so sorry for sending you to hell-on-earth, we didn't mean too." Yeah right, like begging would do any good anyways. How would you feel if you were sent to that hellhole they call, Azkaban having to relive your worst nightmares thanks to the dementors? Wouldn't you be furious, too? (A/N yes that's an understatement - in Harry's case anyways.)

By now they were on chapter three, they kept reassuring Harry that they would never betray him and stuff. Harry kept thinking to himself 'none of this stuff is real; they would never betray me, would they? What am I thinking after all, they did pare Lucius MALFOY up with Mr. Weasley for crying out loud! That would be like Voldemort saying he has seen the error of his ways, and opened up an orphanage, while skipping merrily in a dress a cross a field of flowers.' Harry snickered at the thought. "What's so funny, Harry?" Ron asked.

"Oh nothing just had a funny thought," Harry said with amusement dancing in his eyes.

They continued reading; He was declared innocent Dumbledore passed a series of new laws forcing Harry to go back to Hogwarts until he finishes school, alienating Harry even more. He returned to Hogwarts, after a couple more chapters of everyone bashing - Harry's former friends, the ministry, the press, and so on. Something drastic happens that makes Harry forgive his friends in the end although he'll never forget what happened.

"Arthur, I think we read enough," Mrs. Weasley said. "Hermione, could we borrow your laptop for a while?" Hermione nodded and absentmindedly logged offline still in a daze by what she had just read. She closed the screen and handed her laptop over. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley walked away. Somehow the Weasley siblings, Harry, and Hermione had a feeling they knew what the next topic would be at the Order of the Phoenix meeting. Knowing Mrs. Weasley's temper, Hermione hoped she would get her laptop back in one piece. Hermione had a feeling that those two stories were only the tip of the iceberg of what is on that Website.

Back at Bobby's house, Severus Snape, Crabbe (SR), Goyle (SR) had just apparated in. Snape being as blunt as he is just got right to the point, "Alright what is this about Lucius?"

"There are some very disturbing stories about is on this, this thing," he pointed to the computer looking at it like it was a despicable piece of garbage.

"Uh, you are aware that thing is, um uh muggle rubbish don't you?" Crabbe said.

"So you are saying, " Snape pushed Crabbe out of the way to get a better view, "that this thing has stories about us on it?" Snape said ignoring Crabbe.

"Just look for yourself," Malfoy said. He took a seat and clicked on Love is but a Kiss Away. They gathered around the computer and started reading:

Harry walked down the hallway, his heart aching for the one he truly loved. Then he met her, Mary-Sue. He first met her on the Hogwarts express, and it was love at first sight. He was going into his sixth year, and she her fifth.

"Mary-Who?" Snape asked just barely covering up his confusion. "There is no Mary-Sue at Hogwarts."

"Yeah, yeah whatever, we can capture this Mary-Sue person and hold her hostage to lure Potter into a trap," Lord Voldemort said as he unexpectedly appeared beside Snape. He had an evil smile on his face that made his red eyes look creepier then usual.

"My Lord, where did you come from?" Malfoy asked.

"Snape, you are to find Mary-Sue immediately!"

"But, My Lord, there is no Mary-Sue at Hogwarts."

"You dare question me! Crucio!" Snape started screaming in agony. "Now lets try this again! Find me Mary-Sue!"

"Y-yes M-my Lord," said Snape. He kissed the hem of Voldemort's robe before he began his wild goose chase to find Mary-Sue.


	3. Chapter 3

Please don't get offended by this, this is how I think the Harry Potter people would react.

Chapter 3

The Orders Reactions

"All right, everyone today's topic is Dumbledore said. "It has come to my attention that muggles have been writing about us on the Internet." Everyone looked confused except for Mr. and Mrs. Weasley who were still insulted by what they've read, hence the nasty looks on their faces, the golden trio, and the twins. "I have Hermione here since she is the only one here who knows how to use it, and Harry and Ron are here since Hermione's going to tell them about this meeting anyways." Hermione sat there wondering if her dad's laptop was going to survive this meeting.

"Dumbledore!" Snape burst into the room calling Dumbledore's name frantically.

"Snape my boy what's wrong?" Dumbledore said concerned.

"Voldemort's gone mad!" The Order members raised an eyebrow at that comment.

"Tell us something we don't know," Mad-eye Moody said.

"I mean madder then usual!" ("As if that's possible," Mad-eye mumbled under his breath.") "He just sent me on a wild goose chase to find some brat named Mary-Sue and there is no Mary-Sue at Hogwarts! All because he read some stupid story, on some stupid muggle device about Potter liking some brat named Mary-Sue! Not that I know why ANY girl would want to go out with that little monster anyways!"

"HEY! Watch what you are saying!" Lupin said crossly. What made it worse was that the full moon was last night, and he tends to have a furry little problem during the full moon.

"Yeah Snivelis," Sirius Black said, quite offended. They figured out a way to pull him out of the veil (A/N I like Sirius and besides he's funny!)

"Calm down everyone, calm down," Dumbledore said. "Now, sit down. Hermione are you logged on?" Hermione gave him thumbs up. After a summary about WHAT the Internet is all attention was turned towards the laptop. Once Hermione was done banging her head on the table out of frustration of trying to get them to understand what the Internet is, she clicked on Two Lovers. Hey she's just a really smart girl, not a miracle worker. Wizards - mainly pureblood - just don't seem to have a knack of understanding muggle stuff, it's like information like that goes through one ear and out the other.

Severus stood at the top of the tower waiting, for his true love would be here soon. Happiness filled his heart when he thought of his lover.

"Heart? What heart? Snapey has a heart?" Sirius asked with confusion. Everyone except Snape sniggered at his comment. Snape just glared at everyone, and if looks could kill Sirius would be dead.

His heart leapt, at the very though of his true love. Concern filled them at the thought of what his true lovers friends would say about them, and what they'd do to them. Snape remembered the first time they kissed. He remembered his lips pressed against his. 

"_His_, why Snape why didn't you tell us you swung _that_ way," Sirius said mockingly. Bill and Moody shifted their chairs away from Snape.

"For your information Black, I am not gay," Snape, said barely hiding his anger. Since they started reading he's barely been able to hold back his anger.

"Oh, its okay you don't have to hide it anymore we all now know of your sexual interest."

"For the last time Black I am NOT gay!" Snape pouted. Everyone sniggered again. You have to admit, it was quite humorous to see Snape look so much like a spoiled child.

They knew they were meant for each other. Due to fear of his lover's friends and house rivalry they had to meet in secret . . . Until now. Now they were going to announce it to the whole school. Now they were going to show the world what true love really means. Now they were going to make it official. "Is that you my love," Snape said.

Snape mumbled something under his breath that sounded like, 'Oh brother this is stupid.' Sirius was laughing like crazy, getting ready to torment the poor sap that got paired up with Snape!

"Snape is that you," the cloaked teenager said.

"Oh yes, yes it is me Remus. Every moment I am not with you are like an eternity."

Remus spat out his tea and Snape yelled, glaring daggers at the screen, eyes filled with hatred, "WHAT!"

Sirius burst into laughter, "Oh Remus, you got paired up," he fell off his chair rolling on the floor with laughter, "with Snivellis!"

"If I EVER get my hands on the idiot who wrote this! I swear there will be one less fan fiction writer!"

"Well, at least we now know your sexual interest, right everyone," Sirius said eyes dancing with amusement.

The room erupted with laughter, even Dumbledore sniggered. The only ones who weren't laughing were Remus and Snape. They were glaring at everyone. Finally he stood up and said, "All right everyone, calm down, calm down." After a moment the laughter died down, "Now Hermione if you please pick another story for us to see."

"Yes, Professor," Hermione said hesitantly. She feared the horrors of what she'll read next. She clicked on Harry Potter and his True Heritage.

By the time they were done reading that Harry yelled, "No, it can't be true!" He fell to the floor crawled up in a ball mumbling along the lines of, "Find a happy place, Snape is not my dad."

Finally, Snape had enough and cast a curse on Hermione's laptop making it explode. "As much as I appreciate the enthusiasm, Potter, I can assure that there is no way you are my son and I cringe at the thought of it being true," Snape said breathing deeply making an attempt to control his temper. Everyone knew he was up to his threshold.

"And besides, James would curse Snapey here into oblivion if he _ever_ did _that_ with your mother!" Sirius said slightly disgusted that muggles would write stuff like that.

"Um, could you please repair my laptop. This is my dad's," Hermione said. Dumbledore waved his wand and her laptop was fixed. "Thank you."

"So the next order of business is to figure out how the muggles know of our world."

"I'll search the net to figure out how they know of this."

A/N: All right, so they are going to start going to fan sites but, they'll return to fan fiction. Net. This site has caught their attention after all. Eventually they'll read the books and movies. I have a scene that involves Fudge and J.K. Rowling in store for you guys. Points for those with the most accurate guess, heheh.

Next up: Potter Puppet Pals and Muggle Net!


	4. Chapter 4

Oh, and if you want to be in this story (sorry, but you won't be a major part) or want to hear the Harry Potter peoples comments on your story let me know in a review. I'll be sure to mention that said story is YOURS at the end of the chapter that your story is mentioned it in. Just as long as you agree to a few conditions: A) once you agree to be in this story you are basically signing a contract that allows me to do WHATEVER I want to you in this story, B) you are saying that you have a sense of humor enough to be able to take a joke, and C) you can't flame for this, because my only response will be, "You asked for it" - which you did. Make note that this is a PARODY, not something to take seriously. I'm sure that your stories are good but this is how I THINK THEY would react so please don't flame me. So because of this I better update my disclaimer:

UPDATED DISCLAIMER: I'll only say this once so pay attention; everything you see here belongs to its respective owners. Any pennames and/or stories you see here I made up unless I say otherwise.

Chapter 4

Muggle Net, Potter Puppet Pals?

"Potter Puppet Pals?" Hermione muttered under her breath. By the time she was done watching the clips, well if she hasn't already question the sanity of muggles, **now** she is! "Oh my god! Guys, I think you better see this!"

"What is it Hermione?" Harry asked. Once everyone gathered around the laptop, she hit play.

Background music Potter Puppet Pal present, Bothering Snape.

Snape raised an eyebrow at this, 'Something tells me I'm not going to like this one bit.'

Puppet versions of Harry and Ron appeared on the screen. "Hi I'm, Harry Potter."

"And I'm Ron," the puppet version of Ron said in his high-pitched voice.

"Lets go bother Snape."

"Righto."

"Righto?" Ron said confusedly.

Sirius started laughing, "Now this is going to be good, right Remus!"

Snape's puppet appeared on the screen, "I am Snape the potions master."

"Ready? Lets go bother him."

"This is going to be good," Sirius said excitedly. He and the twins looked like Christmas has come early and decided to invite all the other holidays with it.

"Oh, shut it, Black!"

The puppets started going after Snape saying together, "Bother, bother, bother.'

"Get off!" the Snape puppet said until he fell down.

"That was fun," Ron said.

"I like the part where he stops moving."

Everyone with the exception of Snape exploded into laughter. Even Dumbledore gave a chuckle or two. The Weasley twins and Sirius fell out their chairs laughing. Minerva was storing this memory away for blackmail later, thinking along the lines of; I have to show this to the rest of the staff! Snape was mumbling some unpleasant things, that for the sake of this rating shouldn't be mentioned.

"Let's do it again," the Ron puppet said. 

They went over to Snape saying "Bother, bother, bother."

"Oh no. Stop it, stop it, Stop it! Avada Kedervera!" green light appeared and the Harry and Ron puppets went down. "Oh dear."

The laughter stopped.

"Hello Severus," Albus Dumbledore puppet appeared.

"I-I can explain, sir."

"What's this? It looks like young Harry and Ron are taking an afternoon nap." Snape went away. "Lets see what they have in their pockets," he started digging in their pockets. "Ah, invisibility cloak and a dung bomb this is my lucky day! Now where's Severus? More importantly where the hell am I?" Dumbledore disappeared and came back naked. "Naked time!" The naked Dumbledore puppet dance until the, The End Sign came up.

Everyone was shocked. "Well, that was unexpected," Remus said. Hermione caught a glimpse of surprise in Dumbledore's eyes before it disappeared. She clicked out of Bothering Snape, and clicked on Potter Puppet Pals 2: Trouble at Hogwarts. By the time they were done watching that clip, Harry and Ron's seats were shifted away from each other. The trio shuddered at the thought of hugging their greasy potions teacher.

"I think I'm going to need to take a shower after this," Ron said.

"Believe me Weasley the feeling is mutual."

Echoing Dumbledore's thoughts, Mrs. Weasley said wincingly, "Why do these muggles have interest in seeing you naked?" (A/N: Naked Dumbledore . . . Scary thoughts.) Hermione could've sworn she heard Dumbledore muttered, "So do I."

It wasn't long until she found Mugglenet. "I found another website you might want to see."

"What's this?" They started exploring the website, and they all started laughing when they saw 101 Ways to Annoy Voldemort. (A/N: This list is too funny to leave out!) Soon they were bursting into laughter:

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'  (Harry snorted at that, _'I beg differ'_)

2. Laugh at him.

3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...' 

4. Knit him things. Really hideous things. 

5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month. 

6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows. ("Yep, that'll do it," Snape said.)

7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess. 

8. Dance the Funky Chicken. 

9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath. 

10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again. 

11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him. 

12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night. ("That Death Eater must really want to die the most painful way possible," Snape said. Though everyone in the room was laughing too hard to hear him.)

13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.' 

14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?' 

15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his. 

16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals. 

17. Be cheerful. 

18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!' 

19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ. 

20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.' 

21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.' 

22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?' (The (well, mostly) muggle borns who were familiar with Voldemort's real identity snorted at this.

23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars. 

24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. poof there poof gone poof there... ('If that person even lasts that long,' Snape thought to himself.)

26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one? 

27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?' 

29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices. (A roar of laughter erupted at this.)

30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly. 

31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll. 

32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is. 

33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!' 

34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling. 

35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.' ("Why did he pick such a pansy for a host anyway?" Harry asked.)

36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'  ("Cure _him_ of his wicked ways? Yeah right, that'll be the day," Mad-eye Moody muttered sarcastically.)

37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head. 

38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, '_Wingardium Leviosa_' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping! (Again, (mostly) muggleborns snorted at this.)

39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger. 

40. Buy him a stress ball. ("He really does need one really badly," Hermione said.)

41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph. 

42. Call him Tommy-boy. 

43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo. (Everyone was in fits of laughter, well except Snape, who bristled at this.)

44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes. 

45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'  ("Yeah, I can definitely vouch for that!" Harry said between fits of laughter.

"Don't we all," Mad-eye said.)

46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some. 

47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'. 

48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length. 

49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away. 

50. '_Imperio_' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.' 

51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.' 

52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and glitter. 

53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party. ("Carebears? What's that?" Ron asked. Hermione. She logged on to the Carebears website. As soon as everyone saw that, they were rolling on the floor with laughter, even Snape gave a chuckle. She went back to Mugglenet and they continued reading.)

54. Tell him what Snape's really up to. (Snape looked nervous at that.)

55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.  (Dumbledore looked amused, and once again laughter ranged through the room.)

56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.' 

57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk. 

58. Ask him to dance a polka with you. 

59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible. 

60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?' ("Boy, is _that_ the understatement of the century!" Mad-eye muttered.

61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you. 

62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London... ("It would take more then that to cure him!" Harry commented.)

63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them. 

64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he. 

65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry. ("Teddy bear? OK I don't think I'm afraid of him anymore!" Ron blurted out. While everyone continued laughing.)

66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies. 

67. Steal, snap and bury his wand. ("Whoever does that should be given the Order of Merlin," Mad-eye said.)

68. Tell him Lucius did it. 

69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details. ("That would save us _a lot_ of time," Mad-eye once again said)

70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive. 

71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty. 

72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.' ("I wish someone would," Ron said to Harry.)

73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.' 

74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son. (Harry stopped laughing and shouted, "OH MY GOD! This can't be true first Snape now Voldemort! It's official, I'm now scarred for life!" Ron didn't say anything but patted Harry on the back.)

75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?' 

76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.' ("Yeah, how could he," Molly said.)

77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him. ("That butt kissing traitor, I wouldn't be surprised," Sirius's voice was full of venom.)

78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 

79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.' 

80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle. (The trio snorted at that.)

81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric acquaintance. 

82. Cuddle him at random moments. 

83. Sign him up for Little-League. 

84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies. ("Anyone else still intimidated by him, I'm not anymore," Random Order Member Number One asked.)

85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly. 

86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.' 

87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world. 

88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore. 

89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice. 

90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements. 

91. Write sonnets for him. 

92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning. 

93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.  ("That person would be making a world a cleaner place," Mad-eye Moody said with great wisdom in his voice.)

94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.' 

95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.' (Everyone snorted at that.)

96. Mock his baldness. 

97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments') 

98. Get him drunk. 

99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.' 

100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes. 

101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive. ("Another thing I could vouch for," Harry said.)

102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.' 

103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as 'Coach.' 

Everyone was rolling on the floor with laughter, meanwhile everyone's favorite Dark Lord was shouting, "CURSE YOU!" He turned towards Lucius, Crabbe, and Goyle. "Don't get _any_ ideas! If you mentioned this to anyone, I'll make you wish you were never born!" Voldy glared at the computer, 'If I _ever_ get my hands on the idiot who wrote this, that muggle will pay!'

Back at Order HQ, order was regained among the Order and everyone got over their laughing fits, "Lets check out Mugglenet fan fiction." When she clicked on one of the stories, by the time they were done reading it, Harry, Hermione, and Ginny were wishing the ground would swallow them up. Hermione quickly realized she shouldn't have clicked on that story. Hermione and Ginny scooted their seats as far away from each other as they could. (A/N: if you checked the last chapter you know which story I picked.) "No offence you guys, but you aren't my type. I have my heart set for someone else," everyone could tell Hermione was trying to keep as much resentment out of her voice as she could.

"I can't believe this twit would write something like this! My sister is too young for romance! I won't allow it!" as soon as Ron said that, all heck broke loose.

"Excuse me, but since when do _I_ need _your_ permission to go on dates. I believe that I'm old enough to judge for myself who I want to go out with," said Ginny spitefully. If looks could kill, Ron would be dead a million times over.

"OK children calm down," Molly said detecting a fight about to happen. They didn't hear her.

"I'm only trying to protect you."

"I can take care of myself you know! I don't need you to protect me!" Ginny stood up as she said that.

"That's enough!" Molly said getting into her warning voice. They didn't hear her.

"Well fine, but if anything -"

"I SAID THAT IS ENOUGH!" Molly shouted, immediately they both shut up.

"I think that is enough for now. Meeting adjourned," when Dumbledore said that everyone started leaving. The trio, Ginny, and the twins quickly went to their rooms. They didn't want to wait around for the angry Molly Weasley to tell them to go to their rooms; but they won't be sleeping, they'll be discussing the evils of the Harry Potter fansites and how the evil fans themselves know about them!

Okay another chappy done, hope ya'll enjoyed this so far, now hit the review button. Come on, you know you want to comment on this puppy dog look.

Next up, your favorite Dark Lord's opinion on the fan fictions!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Tommy Discovers the Evils of the Internet!

"So, what is this . . . Thing?" asked Voldemort.

"This is a computer, it's a box that lets us look around the intnet," Lucius said. Although, he was slightly impressed with it, but he wasn't going to admit it. He's a pureblood and purebloods are superior to everyone else, with the Weasels as the exception.

"Intnet? What's that?"

"I have no clue, but apparently it's like a, um uh, a thingy that is like a book, yeah that's it. Except in some sort of box form," Lucius explained.

"Oookey, now, what's this about?"

"This Intnet thingy has some stories about us on it."

"Well, what are you waiting for, show me." Lucius clicked back to fan and clicked on, Tommy's Son. Read on until they got to _the_ part:

"I am your father, Harry," Voldemort said dramatically.

"NO," Harry shouted.

"FATHER! ME TO THAT BRAT!" Voldemort shouted loudly enough for all to hear.

Meanwhile in Timbuktu. "Did you hear something?" Random Teenager 1 in Timbuktu said.

"I sworn I could've heard some too. . . Must be the wind," random Timbuktu person 2 said, shrugging.

Back in the place where everyone's favorite dark lord was staying. "THEY DARE EVEN THINK THAT I'VE D HELPED CREAT THAT GRYFfINDORK! HOW DARE THEY MAKE A JOKE OUT OF ME . . . "

Five hours later . . .

"I SHALL RULE THIS WORLD AND WHEN I DO, I'LL PUNISH THOSE BRATS AND-" Voldy stopped and for the first time noticed that -

"Huh, what?" Lucius woke up. "The sudden shock of silence must've woke me up," said Lucius absentmindedly.

"Where are we again," Crabbe said rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Were you sleeping!" Voldemort said angrily. (A/N: Captain Obvious to the rescue!)

"N-no we weren't. We were just, uh, resting our eyes - yes that's it we were resting our eyes," Lucius said.

If Voldy was in a cartoon, steam would be coming out of his ears right now, so he cast his trademark crucio curse at his 'loyal' death eaters. "What do you think I am, stupid.

"Do we really have to answer that question?" Goyle blurted out. Voldy crucio him again.

"Isn't being stupid your jobs, Crabbe, Goyle?" Lucius said.

"Oh, yeah," they said as if they forgot something.

By the end of the day, they all agreed that fan fiction authors were the most evilest people in the world. They decided to take their tempers out on innocent newbie death eaters. Although they did enjoy the Dumbledore bashing, and Lucius especially enjoyed the Weasley bashing.

My updates will come in spontaneously because there is no way in heck I can work on a schedule so you best put me on story or author alert if you want to be aware of an update. I'll try to update soon.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Whiners!

Percy Weasley was bored. No, wait, beyond bored. He was sitting at his desk with a mountain of paperwork, balancing a quill on his finger. Bored, bored, bored, bored! Taking a glance, he saw his father walking by muttering, to his surprise, about crazy perverted muggles. He had a disgusted look on his face, carrying some crazy muggle contraption. 'How typical of him always messing around with muggle rubbish,' Percy thought to himself. Although, he was curious of what made him so . . . Appalled towards muggles. He's so obsessed with muggles that he even collects plugs and batteries for crying out loud!

Percy sighed. Things have been pretty rocky between him and his family ever since the end of the Twizard Tournament. He still felt a bit guilty for the way he treated his family, and he wasn't sure if he could make amends for it. Gathering up his Gryffindore courage he called, "Hey dad, what's wrong?" Mr. Weasley glanced over a bit surprised.

"Oh, nothing, Percy."

"Okay, then," Percy said a bit disappointed in his vague answer and continued 'working' on his paperwork. Percy, somehow, knew he shouldn't be surprised.

The next few days, he saw some people carrying the same muggle contraption his dad has, and heard them muttering something about crazy, perverted muggles also. As he got up, he saw a group of people gathered around the computer and they were just started reading, The Toad's True Heritage:

"Umbridge, you are not my daughter, thank god I might add. Here's your daddy," Umbridge's 'father' held out a toad.

"Are you saying THAT'S my father!" Umbridge shrieked pointed at the toad who is her father.

"Yes, I am, I'm sorry to say! You looked so ugly, that we ashamed to say that you are our daughter so we sent you away! Alright, I told her the truth now where's my money!" demanded Umbridge's real father.

"WHAT?" Umbridge yelled. Everyone was snickering. 'That would explain a lot about her,' Percy thought to himself. 'Rumor has it that Umbridge was so ugly that when she was born that the healer slapped her mother.'

The toad - Umbridge - stood there with her mouth opened only to have a bucket of slime fall on her. Random Hogwarts Student #1, "Hey, look everyone! Our "beloved" headmistress is getting in touch with her homeland!" Umbridge ran out of the hall.

"I'm sorry about having to leave her with you," Umbridge's father said.

Ramdom ministry official appearing out of no where walks up to Umbridge's adopted father, "For having the courage to put up with Delores (SP?)  I hereby present you with the Order of Merlin first class."

"HOW DARE THESE MUGGLES MAKE A JOKE OUT OF ME I AM THE -"

Five hours later. . .

"THESE MUGGLES NEED TO LEARN-" Umbridge noticed that everyone was asleep. She went and shook them. "Percy, tell the minister about this! We need to find out how the muggles know about us!"

"You are saying you're a toad? Not that I'm surprised. . ." A random ministry asked. Umbridge sent him a death glare.

"Here take this laptop too! You're the son of that nerd Arthur, so you should have some knowledge of how to use muggle rubbish! Show him the website! Now go!" Umbridge shrieked in that annoying high-pitched voice.

Percy nodded and made his way to Fudge's office. Percy somehow had the feeling that the only reason she gives a care is because the fanfic authors were calling her a toad - which he agrees wholeheartedly with. She does look like an overgrown toad, and has an annoying voice too! "Excuse me, Minister."

The minister looked up, "This better be important."

"If you call muggles discovering our existence not important, then no," Percy said.

"Then get out, I'm trying to figure out new ways to screw - I mean help people," Cornelius barked.

"Right, you didn't hear a single thing I said did you?"

"Why, was it important?"

Percy slapped his forehead. 'And I just had to support this idiot instead of Dumbledore.' "As I was trying to tell you," Percy said slowly, agitated, "unless you call muggles discovering our existence unimportant. . ."

"Then go away - I mean, of course show me what you got," Cornelius said, noticing Rita Skeeter at the door.

"Muggles know about us," she said raising her eyebrow coming in.

"Uh, Umbridge told me to show you this," Percy said, opening up the laptop, having no clue really as to how it works. 'Well, might as take a stab in the dark.' A took him a few minutes to figure out how to look around on the net. He clicked on Idiots by Whatever.

'With everyone thinking Potter is an attention seeking brat, I'll be able to deny You-know-who's existence so I'll retire rich, and pass the buck onto the poor sap who takes office next time,' Cornelius gave an evil laugh, "Oh, flunkie."

'Well, the muggles pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one,' Percy thought blandly to himself as he read what was on the screen.

'Looks like those muggles are smarter then I thought - HOW DARE THEY WRITE THIS ABOUT ME! Especially with that gossip-happy news reporter next to me.' Cornelius thought to himself enraged.

'Yes, a perfect story. I can't wait until I can go home and report this. I feel like Christmas has come early and decided to bring all the other holidays with it!' Rita's eyes danced with excitement.

"Yes, Master," Percy said. Kissing the minister's boots. "I'll do whatever you want since I'm your loyal, lowly servant."

"WHAT IN BLAZES IS THIS ABOUT!" Percy exploded, demonstrating the wrath of the infamous Weasley temper that jumped both Rita and the idiot everyone calls the minister. His ears turned bright red, he was breathing heavily, eyes filled with rage, and his knuckle were white. Quickly, Rita and Cornelius fled the room. 'Blimey, these muggles are just plain mean! I may have done things I'm not proud of, but did they have to be mean about it!' Taking a few minutes to calm down a bit, he barely noticed Rita and the idiot come back into the room. They decided to read another story.

A couple stories later . . .

"HOW DARE THOSE MUGGLES WRITE SUCH STUFF ABOUT ME! ME, ME, ME!" Cornelius shouted.

"Your saying **you** have something to whine about! Ugh, those jerks, portray me as a total B#$! I may be a reporter, but even **I** have my dignity!"

Percy rolled his eyes. 'Once again, these muggles hit the nail on the head. Why did I have to support these idiots? I could've supported Dumbledore since at least **he** has **some** shred of commonsense! But no, I had to support this idiot! Either that, or I live in a world full of idiots.'

"Percy!" barked Cornelius. "I want you to find out how these muggles, know of our existence."

"Yes, Sir," Percy gladly said and quickly left the room. 'How do these muggles know of our existence? Well, at least the idiot is doing something constructive instead of whining about his tarnished reputation.'


	7. Chapter 7

These are REAL websites and the lines from the website REALLY are cut and pasted from the website without permission. If you're the owner of either of these fansites I hope you don't mind me having the Harry Potter people comment (or what I'd believe they say) about your sites, plus I couldn't resist. I'm trying to keep the people as in character as possible (I think it's funnier this way). Just so you know, Sirius Black has been proven innocent in this story. Oh, and lets give a round of applause to Ginny Baudelaire for volunteering to be in this fic! I decided to make you a totally off the wall type of girl who will drive the Order into disorder!

Well, enough of my blabbing enjoy. : )

Chapter 7

Fan Clubs and BOOKS?

"What the!" Harry said shocked.

"What is it this time?" Tonks said. On the top of the screen said, Severus Snape's Slytherin Society.

"A Snape fan club?" Harry said, with a confused look on his face.

"Who'd want to join a club like THAT!" Sirius asked.

Snape raised an eyebrow, clearly flattered. "What's a matter? Jealousy perhaps."

"Muggles are mad anyways. Some of them even support You-Know-Who and he's trying to kill them!" They started searching the site and checked out the fan art. "Snape in the Bath, ew! I did **not** need to see **that!** Wait it minute, I didn't know you take baths? It must've been a long, long time ago in the dinosaur age."

Snape gave him one of his infamous glares. They clicked on rival clubs on the screen came these words:

Rival Clubs Boo Hiss!  
Look below! Our rival club! Sirius Black?  
That loser of an escaped convict? Tsk!  
Give them the thumbs down and tell them Snape sent you!

Snape smirked, "Looks like they got you pegged down quite nicely, Black!" Now it was Sirius's turn to give a death glare. They clicked the link and entered the Shrine of Sirius Black. Once again they searched the site.

1) Ok, first off, is it just me or do the descriptions for Sirius and Snape sound awfully similar? Both have sharp features, are described as having slightly hooked noses, long, black hair, glittery eyes and etc. I've wondered if perhaps they are related, which could explain some more of their mutual disgust with each other. ("WHAT!" Sirius and Snape shouted together.)

2) This occurred to me awhile ago and it was only then that I discovered that about a million people had thought of it before me...that part of the Snape/Potter rivalry was over Lily. They both could've been in love with her. And Snape could hate Harry all that much more because he was James' child and not his. (Harry once again shuddered at the thought of being Snape's child. "As I said before Harry, James would kill Snape if he ever did anything with Lilly.")

3) Are there any other Potters? We know Lily's family, but surely James wasn't the last of his line...(before Harry that is...) Shouldn't Harry have other cousins in the wizard world? Maybe some grandparents? (Harry made a mental note to ask Dumbledore about this later.)

4) Which reminds me...Tom Riddle is supposed to have looked a lot like Harry...Harry looks like James...Could Harry be descended from Voldemort somehow? It would explain the snake-talking and the heir of Slytherin mess.  ("THAT CAN'T BE TRUE! I WON'T BELIEVE IT!" Harry shouted.)

5) It says that Voldemort only killed Lily because she got in his way when he tried to kill Harry...Why wouldn't he have killed her too? Unless _HE_ had a thing for her, as well...which would explain him killing James and trying to kill Harry, but not planning on killing her. ("Either that or he'd kill her afterwards, I'd bet on the latter," Sirius grumbled.)

"You guys just have to see THIS!" Hermione said as she ran in holding some books (A/N: How typical of her rolls eyes). She placed Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone in front of them. "This book has information on our first year of Hogwarts, and this book," she placed Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, "has our second year in it, and there are more!" Hermione laid the rest of the 5 books on the table.

"What the heck?"

"Looks like someone has way too much time on their hands!" Snape mumbled.

"Well, we might as well check out the books."

A few hours later. . .

"Rowling's a stalker!" Harry blurted out. "How the heck did she know about me living under the stairs until I got my letter! I already had to deal with one stocker, now this!" Harry was referring to Rita Skeeter.

"Worse yet, it was thanks to her that the muggles know about us! We have to tell Dumbledore!" Hermione said.

"Wait a minute! Those blasted muggles made you live under the stairs!" Sirius said outraged.

"Yes, but it was no big deal . . ."

"No. Big. Deal," Sirius said. "Well, it looks like I have to pay them a little visit. . ."

"SIRIUS NO!" the golden trio and Remus yelled together. A while back, Remus came in.

"Oh, come on I wasn't going to hurt them . . . Much," Sirius turned into a dog and gave them the cutest puppy dog look he could manage.

"Sirius, that isn't going to work on me. You've already been to Azkaban once, we don't need to have you sent there again!"

"Well, at least this time they'd have a _real_ reason to send me there! All I was going to do was have a, um, _little _chat with them."

"Define, _little_ chat."

"Oh, fine! Could I at least prank them?"

"All right, but nothing lethal or permanent! Even though they deserve it and more!" Harry said stepping in.

"Fine, ruin my fun."

"As fun as this might have been, but I'm going back to hunting down some of these fan fiction authors," Snape said as he left the room, in denial (A/N: Go figure) about what he learned about Harry's childhood.

Snape's P.O.V. (An hour later)

'_I won't believe it, I won't. All this time, I've been harassing someone whose been abused. No it can't be true! It just isn't!' _I thought to myself. "Potter is a spoiled rotten brat, just like his father."

"Yah know, they say when you talk to yourself, it is the first sign of insanity." I looked behind and saw some muggle with long blond hair and blue eyes, I gave her my best death glare. "Then again, who am I to talk, after all we fan fiction authors are loony toons too."

"Did you just say, you're a **fan fiction** author?" I said with as much hatred as possible.


	8. Chapter 8

No, I unfortunately did not write the list of how to annoy Voldy. All I did was add in the HP peoples' commentary to the list.

Here yah go, so will you guys put away the pitchforks now? Please? Looks around nervously at angry readers and runs

Chapter 8

Order HQ . . .

"So, tell who are you?" Dumbledore said to the blond muggle.

"You can call me Ginny Baudelaire."

"Very well, Miss Baudelaire. Are you familiar with someone named J.K. Rowling?"

"Oh, yeah! She writes the Harry Potter series, and to think it turned out to be true."

"You fan fiction authors think you are so clever, don't you?" Snape's spoke quietly yet Ginny Baudelaire could hear him just fine. "You think it's funny, don't you?"

"What? Your breath?" Ginny said innocently.

Snape gave her the look he usually reserves for Harry and Neville, whenever his potion cauldron blows up. "You think you can go on writing lies about people behind their backs."

"What? Rita Skeeter does it all the time."

"That is not the point, if you are going to write fan fictions, you should write decent stories where Slytherin wins the house cup, and Harry and his little friends get expelled. . ."

"Severus!" Dumbledore said warningly.

"What? I was giving her some . . . _Advice_ for her safety."

"Don't you mean threat? Are you aware of the amount of Harry Potter fanfics on the net? You can't blame me for all the fan fics, Snakey. There are probably over a million of them."

So the interrogation went on for about another half hour . . .

Now Snape considers himself to have a decent threshold, after all he needs all the patience he can get when he's teaching the Gryffindor/Slytherin potions classes (A/N: We all know how much those Slytherins and Gryffindors and just _love_ each other, right?). What takes one of those class periods - especially with Longbottom Gryffindors and Potter in them in them - she managed in just a half an hour.

"Thank you for your cooperation," Dumbledore manage to say in his calmest voice possible in his frustrated state.

"Like, I really had a choice, old man!" Ginny Baudelaire grumbled rolling her eyes.

"Come along, Severus," Dumbledore said. Snape gave the girl one last death glare then left.

"Thank god we got out of there, another minute and I would've blasted her threw the wall! One more wisecrack from her then ugh!" Snape let our an exasperated growl.

"We did learn some important information, now I say we should pay Mrs. Rowling a visit."

Little did he know someone already beat him to her. . .

J.K. Rowling was sitting in her armchair reading her book peacefully when she heard the sound of apparition. She sighed, after all she had been expecting _them_ to come for a long time. "You might as well come out and take a seat, it took you long enough to find out!"

Cornelius and his flunkies they call aurors stepped out of their hiding places, "Well, aren't we the smart one? You thought you could keep this," he held up a Harry Potter book, "a secret forever."

"Actually, I expected your visit a long, _long_ time ago, then again your ignorance never ceases to amaze me, especially of the muggle world." She took a sip of her tea as Cornelius's face turned a shade of purple that would put Mr. Dursley to shame.

"Erase her -" Cornelius started to say.

"You _really_ think that erasing my memory would really solve things. For starters, the Harry Potter books are sold all over the world. Do you really have the time and money to erase the memories of every Harry Potter fans all over the world, plus the internet is just filled with Harry Potter related stuff, even if you burnt every Harry Potter book - fat chance by the way - but still-"

"Shut up! You've crossed the line with these works of fan fictions- " Cornelius stopped in mid sentence as Rowling starting laughing.

"You're here because of some works of fan fiction. I'm not responsible for what my fans post, as odd as their stories may be, I didn't write them. I can't believe that all this time, all this publicity didn't get your attention sooner, yet it took FAN FICTION to clue you in!" Cornelius and his flunkies glared at her. "Sorry, sorry, I just thought that was amusing. Now listen, wouldn't erasing my memory just make things worse?"

"What do you mean?"

"Wouldn't my fans get suspicious if the, not to toot my own horn, infamous J.K. Rowling, me, all of a sudden forgot everything involving Harry Potter, which had earned her millions?"

"Your point is?"

Rowling thumped her head against the table. _'Do I **really** have to explain **everything**? What a stupid question, of course I do! I dealing with Cornelius Fudge, an idiot with no common sense whatsoever! Out of all the wizards in the world, why did I get stuck dealing with this idiot! Let's see here, if I try to explain the obvious and the, if I'm lucky, I should get it through to him in a couple of hours. I can't wait that long! He's driving me mad and he's only been here a few minutes.'_ She sighed and spoke in a way you would if you were talking to a very slow child (which she might as well have been when speaking to this idiot). "I am a very rich lady, if you leave me alone I can, uh, **donate**, to your cause, if just **"forget"** what you've learned." She got out her checkbook and wrote out a check, and placed it on the table.

At the moment, if you looked into Cornelius's eyes, you could see a very greedy look in the corrupt minister's. Now like any good corrupt little politician he would of course except the **"donation"**, "Of course, with someone of your status I'll gladly accept your generous donation" (A random auror made a cough the sounded suspiciously like "bribe") "for my cause, Mrs. Rowling. Lets leave the poor lady alone, and head back, we're sorry for bothering you." The aurors merely rolled their eyes wondering how this corrupt idiot got into the position of Minister of Magic, and like good little flunkies, they disapparated back to the ministry with their leader.

As, Mr. Rowling walked into the living room, he sat down near his wife, "So the idiots have finally found us at last?"

Sighing J.K. Rowling said, "Indeed they have. It took them long enough. Dumbledore must be losing his touch, if the idiots from the ministry found us first, though something tells me that it'll take more then a bribe to get _him_ to go away."

"Not to worry, luv, everything will turn out alright in the end."

"I hope so."

A/N: Hope the Cornelius Fudge scene turned out alright. It didn't turn out as planned.


	9. Chapter 9

Let's give around of applause to my next victim - I mean volunteer, Cristina Potter.

Well, here's the last chapter, though you guys can continue this story if you want. On one condition that you just let me know so I can see where you go with it. Sometime, I may write a one-shot side story where Dumbledore confronts JKR.

Chapter 9

More Evil Fan Fiction

Ginny B. laid down on her bed, in her room/prison. _I wonder when my next victim - I mean visitor will come._ Out of boredom she proceeded to sing the song that gets on everybody's' nerves... loudly, "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes."

Ten more verses later . . .

Finally Mrs. Weasley shouted, "WILL YOU SHUT UP!" _'Another satisfied customer,'_ Ginny B. allowed herself an evil laugh as the _ever so lovely_ Mrs. Black started shouting "complements" about how "wonderful" she thinks it is to have all those blood traitors, mudbloods, and half-breeds in her house.

Down the hall in Harry's Room . . .

"Lets read more of what those loony-toons wrote about us," Hermione said, returning to the evil that is fan One of the stories caught her eye. A Heart Renewed

Sadness was filling Harry at the thought of losing his godfather. Will Ron be able to help him? HP/CD RW/HP

"What the heck, click on it," Ron said.

'I can't believe I killed him my, one true love,' tears fell from Harry's eyes as he thought of Cedric's murder. 'It is my fault.' He slumped against the wall of the astronomy tower.

"What the!" Harry's face did the perfect imitation of a fish out of water. "Haven't these people read the books? I AM STRAIT! Plus, I've only known the guy for 1 year!"

"Harry, is that you? Are you okay?" Ron asked as he sat down.

"I-I c-c-can't believe he's dead? My one true love," Harry broke into sobs.

"You have me, I've always had feelings for you, Harry. I love you," Ron said sitting down next to him, and they shared a passionate kiss.

"WHAT THE (Bleep) (Bleep)!" Harry and Ron shouted.

Mrs. Weasley shouted, "Boys language!"

"Blimey what are they going to pair us with next, the giant squid!"

"Uh, guys, you might want to take a look at this . . ."

Malfoy Manner . . .

"But, Father, this is muggle rubbish! Why are you making me do this!" Draco pouted.

"Because I said so, and it is important to know thy enemy," Lucius said sternly. "Now I'll only say this once, I want you to read some of those fan fictions and record what the story is about. Remember, this is a way to help our cause and the more you record the better."

"How exactly is reading muggle stories going to help the cause and why are you making me do this!"

"Because the Dark Lord said so now get to work!" Lucius snapped. As he left the room he smirked. _'It's times like these that I appreciate being a father, having the son do all the work I don't want to do.'_

'_Alright so which one should I read first?'_ Draco clicked on the first story that caught his eye.

Hr/D Hermione changes over the summer do to her abusive father, little does she know she isn't the only one with scars. Will a certain Slytherin be able to save her?

All throughout the story Draco started getting more and more irritated and one line finally made him snapped;

"Oh Hermione, I've always loved you. I need help to cure my evil ways! My father not only beats me but -

Draco threw the laptop through the window. _'Number 1, my father **never** beats me, number 2, I enjoy being evil thank you very much, and number 3 there is no way I'll **ever** go out that mudblood!' _Draco fumed.

"Accio laptop," Lucius said. "You will continue reading or else." He placed the laptop on the table.

"But Father, they paired me with a mudblood! A MUDBLOOD I TELL YOU!"

"Here's a little advice for you to take to heart and cherish for the rest of your life," Lucius said in a bittersweet low voice and then shouted. "DEAL WITH IT!" Then left the room.

Downstairs. . .

"Are you sure it is safe for Draco to be reading fan fictions? Those stories could potentially leave him scarred for life."

"My son, Severus, is a Malfoy, and is much stronger then you give him credit for! If I can survive reading a story pairing me and Weasley," he shivered, "then he can handle being paired up with Granger. And besides as far as I'm concerned, better him get scarred for life then me!"

"Whatever you say, Lucius," Snape took a sip of his tea.

"I still can't believe those blasted muggles would have the nerve to write stuff like this! This is evidence that everyone of those blasted muggles should be eliminated, starting with those **fan fiction** **writers!**" he spat those three words like they were filth.

Suddenly a shriek of terror was heard from upstairs, and when they came up to Draco's room they found him rocking back and forth whimpering to himself, "No, no, no, no! Not true, not true, not true."

"What's the matter with you."

"Father, am I a Weasley?" Draco whimpered, sucking his thumb, rocking back and forth again.

At this question, Lucius's eye twitched and Snape gave him the "I told you so" look.. "Whatever gave you **that** idea!" Lucius asked, disgusted. Draco pointed towards the laptop.

Crabbe and Goyle Sr. suddenly came in holding a teenage girl. "We've captured a fan fiction writer, sir Her name is, Cristina Potter."

"If he's whimpering over reading a story about being a Weasley, just wait until he reads about being paired up with Harry Potter!" Cristina said.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **Draco shouted and fainted

"I think you better call in a shrink 'cause he is definitely gonna need one," Cristina said.

And they all lived happily ever after; the local phychiatrists soon found themselves swamped with people muttering something about evil fan fiction writers and some were even sent to the loony bin (coughDracocough). Who could ask for a better ending?

**IMPOTANT A/N: **As for my other story Stargirl. I don't like the direction it's going in, if I continue it in the direction it is currently going in, I'm going to turn the characters (especially Ginny) into freaking **SUES** (shudders)! I'm going to do something different with some of the ideas. Again, it will definitely **NOT** be the same story! If anyone wants to continue it the way it was originally written let me know ; )


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